Ideas, dreams, and plans fill my head.  I hurry to my office, fire up my computer, and immediately need a nap! All my excitement drains away when my mind calls out for the energy to create.

So, I pray, take a walk, and resist fatigue. I get a drink of water and fill up my coffee cup. Then, I give the computer another try. This time weary wins. My eyelids slip to slits, breathing becomes shallow, my head feels leaden, and my fingers sit on the keyboard – motionless.

All the things I’d like to write (except this blog) are held in PTSD captivity.

 I shut the computer down, head for a comfy place to rest, pray for refreshment, and  fall asleep before the “amen.” My dreams are not sweet so I wake up still worn.

I picture this captivity lined with a barbed wire fence. We have some of this dangerous fence on our property – it once held cattle back. Jon is carefully removing each strand of rusted and twisted metal so the land will be safe to roam. I like the sound of the cutter makes as it expands the wonderful possibilities to roam out here.

It’s easy to find things to do in place of writing and it still counts. I can write down an idea (a sentence or 2 will usually preserve the idea before it evaporates) and promise myself someday I will flesh it out. There’s always research I can collect and file away for another time. I try to convince myself  that this time of simmering is good…and maybe it is. If I get to add a sentence to an idea…I’m encouraged. These blogs take 2 and sometimes 3 hours to write before I have the courage to put them “out there” for you all to read.  Even then I find errors…my weary eyes and mind missed the other 10 times I read each entry.

Ping!

Each of these steps is me cutting down the dangerous fence that traps my creativity.

Writing these blogs has been an exercise in diligence. I usually need a nap halfway through and then again before I can even attempt an edit. The rest of the edits demand more rest. The accomplishment (in spite of the mistakes) is sweet reward for the effort. 

Ping again!

I wonder if perhaps writing these entries is a bit like lifting weights. Maybe I’m putting my creative muscles through a kind of physical therapy and when I get strong enough I’ll be able to cut through the barbed wire that seems wrapped around my creative abilities. 

Ping! Ping!

I am starting to believe a breakthrough is near and wonderful possibilities not only await me as the barriers come down…they are happening as the fence comes down.

Ping!